GENERAL:

Opinion on edible unmentionables:
As long as Jean Chretien is wearing them.... OOH SOMEBODY RESTRAIN ME

If you were stranded on an island in the Pacific, name three people you'd kill if they were with you:
George "Dubya" Bush, Jim Carrey, and Andy

Seesaws, angry surgeons, or armshrubbery:
Feeblesquare. : D

If you had a hundred bajillion bucks, where would you park your camel:
Honolulu, at the Highskin Resort.

Would you give me a beret or a lemur:
Dr. Protohotforks-Ng is on the other end, ma'am.

Why are there so many *expletive* *expletive* loud people in my room:
SO YOU ADMIT TO ASSASSINATING KENNEDY! WELLLL, THAT MAKES MY LIFE A WHOLE LOT EASIER

Give us your stance on texturous wallpaper:
Unscrupulous.

FOODS:

Coconut, gruel, or chocolate fire ants:
Chocolate bagel. It's still only a concept. Do not worry.

So, how do you feel about eating some Kneebroth with eyelashdashings:
I will not be manipulated by these loaded questions. BUT hold the eyelashdashings, please.

Would you befriend a jolly cannibal:
Not if his name's Terrence.

Would you partake of your limbs in his happy company:
I'M A VEGETARIAN, MORON! Furthermore, I tried that once and the results were conclusive: humans can't regenerate. Needless to say, Dr. Glutinousflask issued me a titanium alloy leg and OH MY GOD PUT ME DOWN

Redegg, Squealegg, or Boredegg:
Boredegg.

Stupidsoup, rudesoup, or foodsoup:
Stupidsoup.

Can you stuff both your hands in your mouth at once (Y/N):
N

Would you eat Qaraghandy if you were starving to death:
Why, it's Merriweather Lewis! Back from the dead!

GENERAL, PART II:

Have you ever considered severing someone's legs and using them as wings:
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SHARE?!?!?!

Are Harriet's ground-up teeth a cure for lyme disease:
No, that's ground-up Harriet.

Why am I so fascinated by self-consumption and rotting corpses:
Because I'd talk to myself if there were two of me. Also the world would be a better place

Would you consume your own rotting corpse if you were bored enough:
My own questions make me go "uhhhh...." sometimes

Korean, Russian, or Rooster:
I am the alien. I present to you Carl Sandburg

How do you feel about coding HTML on a dead politician's back with your own blood:
THAT IS A FABULOUS IDEA! But I'd rather keep my veins intact, thank you. How about the blood of Millard Fillmore? No?

How much will you sell your soul to me for:
I WILL SELL IT TO YOU (ME) FOR THE PRICE of a field of dainty goats, half the continent of Africa, some milk factories in Belgium, an E-Z SKIN-TO-GRAVY kit, a gardenia, and a smile.

Do you ever dream about gerunds (be honest, damn it):
No, I dream about dead boys becoming lawn furniture in Hong Kong. (Really.)

THE BIG FINISH:

How do you feel about. . . .

A greenbean / squidchips medley: I am in no position to contribute.
Your elbows suddenly growing teeth: STOP CHEATING OR I WON'T EVER PLAY MONOPOLY WITH YOU AGAIN
229: Couldn't be happier.
Little bagels in mating season: Jesus does NOT like bagel porn.
Lawnmower karaoke: Mmmmm, eskimos.
Komrade Stew: A DELICACY! MY OWN RECIPE
God's personal penguins: *CHOKING*
Tony Blair's sex life: Very interesting.....
A lot of nice glue in your ear: UGHHH IT'S BECOME SENTIENT. AUGHHH STOP IT! IT'S HEADING FOR MY BRAIN